Watching Mall Cop because My Bloody Valentine 3D is sold out ended up being a very bad choice. Just watching the first couple of minutes of Mall Cops and one can tell that this movie was going downhill pretty fast. I don’t have a problem with ridiculously absurd storylines, but this one was reaching it. You have a segway joke that goes on forever, a romantic scene that screams out cheese, a hostage takeover at a mall, and a mall security guard disposing of parkour runners one by one.

Paul Blart (Kevin James) is a security “officer” for a mall who dreams of becoming a cop. He takes a test and almost passes it but at the last minute faints because his sugar level was low. His love life is non-existent. His wife left him after she became a US citizen. He lives with his daughter and mother, who try to help him out by signing up in online dating.

At the mall, a cutey named Amy (Jayma Mays) catches Paul’s eye, who works at a wig store. He works his “mojo” and offers Amy a ride to her car after work in his segway. The scene with him and her riding together at the mall on a segway has got to be one of the cheesiest scenes in movie history.

There are some funny moments, but those moments are quickly overshadowed by the story. The video of Paul that his mom put up for the dating site is pretty funny. Now that I think about it, this is the only funny moment in the entire movie.

The plot is just ridiculous. A group of terrorists goes to a mall and holds a few people hostage, including Amy, and each door at the mall has an alarm and a flash bomb. You’re telling me that these two factors are the only things that can stop the cops from entering? The terrorist group is there to steal money electronically from credit card machines at the different stores in the mall. Oh, and I forgot to mention that these guys are skilled in freerunning, skating, and BMX. The cops are helpless to stop these guys, and only one man can stop them. Paul Blart is able to take out all the members of the terrorist group. Things get a turn for the worse as there is a plot twist in the end that is so stupid, it just makes you want to punch the writer in the face. There’s also a fight scene in the end that involves Paul being weak and it’s with the help of candy that he was able to turn the tide, kind of like Popeye and spinach.

Overall, there were many misses, and few hits. And if there was laughter, it quickly turned into embarrassments and uneasiness. It’s sad to see Kevin James first leading role in a movie like this. He’s a likable guy, especially in Hitch, but I hope that he finds better roles in the future, preferably not Mall Cop 2.

Grade: D

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