JUST A WARNING: RATED M FOR MATURE, COURSE LANGUAGE–VERY…

What the hell is this? Naked He-Man? You know if you look close enough, he appears to resemble the He-Man from the original mini comics…but the name is wrong, it was He-Man who left the jungle to protect Castle Grayskull and Eternia—not to mention the two halves of the Power Sword. Why does the package say Oo-Larr?

I’ll tell you why; the terminated Scott Neitlich was still in grade school and was playing his own game sitting on the floor with his He-Man guys. Now, I don’t blame him for the shipping service Digital River, I don’t blame him for quality control, I don’t blame him for the price hike; I blame him for butchering everyone else’s memories of He-Man and the Masters of the Universe as they were growing up by making up his own story. Where the back of each card should have had a history on each character so new collectors would know what they are collecting. There is no need for a continuum, we all know the story, just make the damn toys—really well, the price demands it.
I also blame him for using scare tactics to sell subscriptions, and talking down to the customers like it was a privilege to have any figure from this line—sure, if each one was free, there is a privilege. For He-Man.org personnel ONLY.
I also believe that he had a lot to do with the extremely hostile message boards on Mattycollector.com—“like everything OR ELSE!!!” Fuck you, you shills!

So, now that, that is out of the way, let us figure out what to do about this club exclusive so he doesn’t suck.

The front of the package is as every other regular figure is; just the typo in his name is an eyesore.

The back of the package is full of shit.

The bio is disgusting.

Makes me want to treat this $27 figure like the shit it is, it has been sitting on my dresser for days, I was contemplating selling it. And look, there is another one of those mini comics…oh hell!

First things first…take lighter fluid and soak the typo of the characters name. Step 2, take a frying pan and put the paper inside, step 3, take a lighter and watch it burn baby burn!!!

BURN!!! Oo-Larr my ass!

Next, take the bio photo and alter it to tell about the reality of the series, this really doesn’t apply to those who grew up with the cartoon and New Adventures, you were too young to appreciate how cool the original He-Man was. But, that is ok, it was before your time, but for me; the memories are very important; this was something that I and my brother enjoyed and this figure alone destroys everything that was important to me about He-Man.

This is NERDSociety.com right? So, let’s put some “Nerd” into this review and analyze things…I promise to keep it quick because I am not into analyzing things, it is boring and starts fights and I am a peaceful person.

What does the title of the first Masters of the Universe mini comic say (at the top)?
“HE-MAN and the Power Sword”—NOT, Oo-Larr and the Power Sword; so that is fact number 1, don’t you agree? You should.

The first 2 pages, I have electronically highlighted the name “He-Man” so everyone can see that he was not this “Oo-Larr” they speak of. History and works of print cannot be changed for one persons own needs and pushed on others. Do you want a name for the figure? He-Man.

He-Man saves the Sorceress (Goddess) and is presented with the tools needed to protect Eternia; as you can see, he is still called He-Man—there is NO excuse for calling him something else and making him a different character, you just offended the fans who don’t kiss Mattel’s ass! You know who you are.

….And for fun a little bit about Skeletor; a bit less than the Keldor story from the later mini comics and the broader story in the 200X series, but interesting nonetheless.

OK, now that, that is taken care of and a history lesson was taught to the new fans, let’s get to the figure already.

“Jungle” He-Man comes with some nice accessories such as the sword pictured in the scene with the Sorceress, his spear, and the head of 80’s action figure He-Man—very nice. He is quite naked except for a tattered loin cloth, but the joints are tight. The feet look odd though; as odd as Demo Man—remember him? The green guy…the Skeletor concept art reject.

“Jungle” He-Man: Goddess, why are you in this prison!?!

Goddess: My elbow joint is cracked, and it is the only thing keeping me in one piece—very poor manufacturing, but still you are He-Man, the chosen defender of Eternia, I present a strength suit that will enhance your great power, a shield, axe, sword and even a Sky Sled…I have a belt and boots for you too, this isn’t a porn comic you know…

“Jungle” He-Man: Boots? …and a belt…this intrigues me!

Goddess: Just put the stuff on already, you are creeping out the kids, 80’s or not, fur covering the important “bits” is not enough!

First, He-Man tries on the armor and holds the axe and shield…he does not look right, not at all, so that is a bust; you can’t create anything with the accessories that the Goddess includes. So, now what?

Let’s take a break and look at 80’s action figure He-Man. Cool right?! Nice job on this head sculpt, but most are great, so I don’t get why there are complaints about sculpts like Clawful, he looks great. Anyhow, this is a nice blast from the past. Back to the story.

Swap heads with standard He-Man and Jungle He-Man, now that looks pretty cool and more complete…so are you telling me I paid $27 for a head? I guess so.

Skeletor: It’s YOU! After all these years I have found you He-Man you muscle bound oaf!

He-Man: Cut it out with the oaf alright Skeletor, I don’t call you bone face.

Skeletor: You call me bone face every 3 pages, what the hell are you talking about?!

He-Man: You have a point there…anyhow, is this something cool in the making or what; I finally have the closest face to my original appearance.

Skeletor: Except, for some reason they were calling you Oo-Larr…how idiotic is that?

He-Man: Too idiotic for words anymore, but now everything is fine; the way it should be…Thanks Alcala for making the ‘writers’ childhood enjoyable, too bad kids don’t play with toys anymore, none of them have any imagination.

Skeletor: True, true…by the way, where is Teela…I want to feel her pretty blonde hair…

He-Man: There is no blonde Teela, all they had to do was make a head and instead they made DC comics Teela with the metal bra and a poorly thought out waist piece, sorry my old enemy; no blonde Teela for you to get your hands on…she had the red hair when you took over Castle Grayskull though, so what’s the difference?

Skeletor: But I wanted to reenact the first story…Oo-Larr and the Power Sword…

He-Man: if you say that again Skeletor, I will tear you in half like a phone book!

Skeletor: …touchy…

So, if He-Man is someone else, that must mean that Man-At-Arms is someone else too? OR, maybe he has eternal life…but then that would clash with the other lame stories from a Mattel Manager—not a writer.

Man-At Arms: Just like the old days He-Man, I don’t have a mustache and complain about a floating troll…Orko right?

He-Man: That’s right; you were the technological wizard back in the good old days before I was created through magic. I remember how Skeletor was actually a threat, then the cartoon came out and I was kicking his ass left and right. I prefer this…the challenge…who needs the POWER?

Man-At-Arms: I couldn’t have said it any better myself.

He-Man: I HAVE THE POWER!!!

Man-At-Arms: (Oh spare me…sheesh)!

He-Man: Stratos! What’s up monkey man! How goes the Wicked Witch of the West…uh, I mean…

Stratos: I know what you mean great warrior, I saw Merman and Skeletor a foot; we must stop them!

He-Man: Not today; the last few 2015 articles were filled with blood, it’s becoming over-kill.

Man-At-Arms: He-Man is right, there was already a real fire in a frying pan, let’s leave it at that.

Stratos: I agree…I guess I will return to my seat in the Wind Raider, I’m getting tired of flying.

He-Man: So, what do we do with you? Two heads and one body; what would look the best.

80’s Head: I think I should have the honor of the body; I am the original toys head after all.

Classics Head: I agree, I have been a top the body for years, let’s give the 80’s head a chance.

He-Man: Let it be so!

Merman: Glog Skeletor, what do you think of this! A body with two heads!!!

Skeletor: We already have Two-Bad, I’m not having another two-headed freak running around Snake Mountain.

Merman: What the hell is Snake Mountain…I mean…Glog Skeletor, what is Snake Mountain?

Skeletor: Oh, nothing, from a different time…

The decision has been made, “Jungle” He-Man will take the head of the 80’s figure and carry the spear and sword that he came with and collect dust on the shelf; so be it.

A pair of He-Men; a mix of the original with modern touches. Perfect Alcala He-Man and Naked He-Man…so let it be.

Finally, I have to talk about this piece of shit! Every time a mini comic is born more fans lose their happy memories. But, this takes the cake, it is so bad, I want to burn it too, so I’m thinking of lining the cats’ liter box with it instead, it is probably not good enough for that, but a little shit and piss and it will be where it belongs.

The art is once again beautiful, really nice. The story…is pure shit! The worse story to date! Here are some new characters…Forklift, Airbag, Man-E-Faces 2 and Ram Man 2…who in hell would call a character “2” how fucking stupid is that! Other points of shit are the following…She-Ra is evil girl Hordak and has her head shaved; Skeletor is once again a pussy and Castle Grayskull gets blown up…FUCK YOU! And good riddance you mother fucker…Neitlich can’t write for shit, if DC is producing the damn book get a professional writer to do it…shit! Horrible Shit!!!

Nothing but toilet paper!

OK…well, that’s that.

GRADE: F (Until I fixed it) B (Good enough)

Here is a figure EVERYONE wants…200X Sorceress, stop making filler and make the ones people want. It isn’t that hard!

Be sure to check out Miss M’s Huntara article, she will be a lot kinder than me; but these are my feelings and I supported EVERY argument, so I’m not just mud-slinging and bashing.

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