 
Southland Tales starts with an incoherent and mumbling ten minute narration sequence voiced by pop singer Justin Timberlake. He tells us of the world after a nuclear explosion run by right wing crazies dressed like Twin Peaks extras while mumbling “this is how the world ends” over and over. I figured that at that point the film had nowhere to go but up, but I was sorely mistaken. Southland Tales is one of the worst films ever made. A muddled political satire mixed with pretentious and numbing speeches and a “plot” that goes nowhere slowly. This thing moves like molasses and has no interesting characters to keep viewers interested in the the muddled proceedings. After 90 minutes of this turd, I started wandering around my house aimlessly and considered giving up on the film altogether. Richard Kelly is an extremely talented young writer/director and I loved his first film Donnie Darko. An emo classic embraced by young and old, goth and non-goth alike. Kelly has used up just about all his good will with this noxious disaster. Southland Tales runs a punishing 2 hrs and 24 minutes. Kelly is said to have cut out around 20 minutes from the film’s disastrous Cannes screening, if he had a heart, he would have burned the negative.
Southland Tales has something to do with an actor (actor/former rassler The Rock) who loses his memory and discovers that he is married to the daughter (pop singer Mandy Moore) of a powerful right wing senator who oversees (along with his wife) a powerful branch of homeland security that was made possible by the expansion of the Patriot Act. The actor named Boxer is befriended by a porn star named Krista Now (the miscast and anorexic Sarah Michelle Geller) who has her own motives. There are various SNL actors who pop up and vanish like shooting stars across a dimly lit sky. Stiffler from American Pie plays a dual role as twins. The lone highlight was Timberlake prancing to a Killers song in a post-apocalyptic arcade/gun shop and seeing Christopher Lambert (from Highlander) as a left wing revolutionary who sells arms out of his beat-up ice cream truck. Why was The Rock twiddling his thumbs in every other scene ? What the fuck is this film about anyway ? I don’t really know and don’t really care. The politics are ham-handed, the acting is cruddy (The Rock and a few SNL people are fine though), and it goes on and on.
I am DARING anyone who reads this review to go out and rent this film, or get it from Netflix. I deserve a crisp 20 dollar bill just for sitting through this pretentious crud. Southland Tales was an endless enema (without the relief after its finished) and a soul-deadening experience. I do have a message for the young and talented writer/director Mr. Richard Kelly though.  This is how a career ends…………….this is how a career ends.
Film Grade:Â F
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